No Bullshit Parenting
I just spent an hour calming the nerves of my 11-year-old. He’s been brave for the first 10 days of this social distancing situation, but today was his breaking point. I thought today may be mine, but I had to hold it together to help my little guy out. I can pencil in my own ugly cry tomorrow between 10:30 and 11:00pm.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for kids. They know what’s happening, they sense our stress, their entire lives have been turned upside down. All of this is challenging for me to comprehend and I’m spending a good 2-3 hours a day researching to stay abreast of developments for work and I have 43 years of life experience to fall back on. Merely a decade on this earth isn’t enough to begin to understand this situation.
Long ago, I vowed to never lie to my boys. When they ask me hard-hitting questions, I tell them what I know but try to explain it in an age appropriate way. For instance, when they asked me what abortion was, I gave them honest answers. When their horrified faces asked follow up questions, I tried to soften the blow as best I could. While I don’t want to take away their innocence too early, I value earning and keeping their trust above all else.
So when he asked me this evening if I thought his grandparents were in danger of contracting the coronavirus, I wasn’t about to lie to him. My first response was, “you know I’ll never bullshit you, right?” He nodded as I went on to explain that we’re all doing what we can to stay safe but indeed they are higher risk than he or I am. But when he asked about the several times he knew one or more of them made choices that put them more at risk than was necessary, I wasn’t sure how to respond. How do I truthfully explain their decisions while also reassuring him when honestly it scares the hell out of me too? Seriously, I’m asking for advice here because the only truthful answer I could give him was, “I don’t know.”
We ended the conversation talking about how focusing on what you can control always helps you feel better. I suggested he do his best with schoolwork and FaceTime Grandma if he had questions. I suggested he make a point to text, call, FaceTime Grandpa and Mimi and Poppy every day so he can personally remind them to do everything they can to stay safe because he can’t wait to give them a hug again. And lastly, he can say prayers, centering his thoughts on their well-being.
I wish this were a simple answer. I get that this is a delicate balance between physical and mental well-being. I get that everyone wants to feel independent and capable. Nobody wants to be a burden. If only they could realize it’s not a burden but a blessing and a distraction for those of us who have very little control over anything. The ability to help those who are more at risk gives us purpose. We should all focus on what we can control and how best we can take care of ourselves so we can also take care of others—even if that means by easing their anxieties through our own inaction.
I suppose I should take my own advice. Maybe listen to Jason about going to bed at a reasonable hour. And seriously, if you have any suggestions on how to convince these at-risk people to let us take care of them, I’d highly appreciate it.
