Closet Thoughts

All the things around me seem to be a messy disaster. I just got an email from the high school my son will enter in the fall asking for donations and help fundraising to put a film on the windows to slow bullets. Not baseball uniforms or computers or books, but bullet protection. It’s emotional enough to send a child off to high school, never mind the ever growing worry they may be shot in algebra class.

No wonder I have trouble sleeping and experience a low-level of anxiety at all times. No wonder I am hiding in a closet at work so I can privately catch my breath before heading back to my desk to pretend everything is fine while churning out pointless emails. No wonder I struggle to care for myself properly, barely finding the energy to get out of bed, much less eat well and exercise regularly.

How are we here? We have so many resources and ability to help one another, yet we’re fully disconnected. I don’t feel comfortable openly sharing my reaction to this soul crushing email with my coworkers. We all spend every day pretending everything is okay, so why would this day be any different. It’s not socially acceptable to show weakness or emotion or admit that we’re struggling. Do we do this because we’re all trying to convince ourselves we have it all together? Do we do this because we’re unable to trust others so we can’t let our guard down? I am certain there is NO WAY all the people who appear to be pulled together aren’t feeling exactly the same way as I do.

We’re broken, and pretending everything is fine. Why are we lying to ourselves and each other?