Is Church my Ace in the Hole?
This past weekend was our parish festival. Nothing like hanging with hundreds of beer drinking, gambling Catholics to connect me with my people. I signed up to deal blackjack with two other friends. All I can say is I’ve found my forever festival volunteer home.
The entirety of my blackjack experience is from the other side of the table, so at first I was a bit apprehensive. Well, that’s true unless you count the dealing to Ollie and Harry, betting pennies that I absolutely keep when the house wins. Once I got into a groove, I started to think I may have missed my calling.
At one point I had a table full of senior citizens. Everytime I called the very clearly oldest member of the group “young lady” she’d smile and hit 21. And on the other side of the table was her 65-year-old son who busted every hand. They were a fun group.
By the end of the night I had nearly lost my voice, had a few too many Miller Lites and had spoken to at least 100 friends, new and old alike. When I got in bed, I was full of the water I chugged to fend off a hangover AND gratitude for the community I’ve weaseled my way into.
I haven’t always felt connected to a Christian community, but somehow I managed to find a home at St. Mary. The challenging part of this situation is I’m often skeptical and have questions and struggles with faith, spirituality and organized religion. The irony of these circumstances are not lost on me.
Over the last year or so I’ve been a part of a church group called Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP for short). I somewhat accidentally joined this group by attending a weekend retreat in March of 2018. That weekend resulted in my committing to meeting regularly with a group to plan and execute a retreat in March of 2019 for a new group of women.
When I started on this adventure, I barely knew most of the ladies in the CRHP group, but over the course of the the last 18 months I’ve grown to love them dearly. They happily dragged my incredulous ass along with them on the spiritual journey that had the express intention of bringing us closer to God.
While I have certainly fostered a deeper connection with my new “sisters in Christ,” I feel mostly like a failure on the God side of this equation. I’m still struggling to understand what a personal relationship with God means, where I would start to build one and if I believe that is even possible.
The great value I have gotten from CRHP, and generally speaking being Catholic, is the connection to the Christian community. This was why I felt so content Saturday night after dealing blackjack for hours. This is why I enjoy attending school and sporting events. This is the reason I drag our butts to church on Sundays.
In many ways, and this is clearly not the Church’s teachings, I view God as all people and the networks between each of us. I believe we’re all connected through the air we breathe, the water we drink and most importantly in the way our behaviors can affect the lives of those around us. As I see it, God is in all things and within all of us. I don’t see him/her as a concrete or physical thing, but more of a consciousness.
At the retreat this past March, which is held at St. Anne’s Convent, I was selected to give a witness, or personal account of how Jesus has transformed my life. I’m no stranger to public speaking, but addressing a group of 45 women about a topic I’m uncertain about was a tall order. Luckily, I was chosen to discuss Christian community, so I decided I could actually pull this one off.
You see, I spent most of my life feeling like a Catholic Lite. Sure, I was raised in the church—I was Baptized, had my First Holy Communion and was Confirmed—but I didn’t go to Catholic school or have any friends at our church. Church was more of a commitment that we did weekly instead of a community that we were a part of.
Even though my great-grandmother lived at the Little Sisters of the Poor (where nuns care for the elderly as well as retired clergy), my grandmother worked at the now defunct Corpus Christi parish in Newport (where some of my earliest memories are of her and my mother interacting with priests in the kitchen) and every one of my family members (except my brother and me) went to Catholic school, I always felt like an imposter when in church. This insecurity stemmed partially from feeling less informed, but mostly from my struggles with what God is and how I could have the mysterious relationship everyone at church seemed to understand.
During my CRHP experience, it was slowly revealed to me that indeed I was a part of the St. Mary community, an important part of it, actually. I realized I have friends across several parish groups and school and there are many people who genuinely care about me and my family.
While I won’t share the entire presentation, I will share my closing remarks as I think it sums things up nicely:
One of my favorite sayings is “When you need a friend, it’s too late to make one.” I first heard this from a sales professor at WKU when I was on campus recruiting college students for sales jobs. Initially, I took this as a great sales technique: Grow your network and when you need to use a connection to gain access to a decision maker, they’ll be available. But what I’ve come to realize is that it has more to do with growing the group of people you associate with, giving and helping and being a part of that group, because ultimately being a friend, being a part of a group, a community, is one of the most rewarding parts of life. And giving when others need it, also means accepting help when you’re in need too. Sometimes that need is financial, sometimes it’s time or effort, often that need is emotional or spiritual, but always, the giving and taking is what connects people to each other and it is when we are most Christian. Most like Jesus. Most Godly. I challenge each of you to find your Christian community, connect with and fully embrace those around you. You may be surprised just how important a member of that community, that family, you already are.
Ultimately, I still don’t know where I land on the Father, Son and Holy Ghost—my heart and my mind haven’t made a concrete decision. I do know I get a great deal of benefit being a part of a parish who has welcomed me and my family. In hindsight, the fact that I’m frequently wracked with guilt should be proof enough that I’m 100% Catholic, but that is a topic worthy of its own post.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on God, religion, spirituality and the likes. Feel free to comment below or shoot me an email at mollie@midlifepickle.com, if you prefer to have a more private discussion.
