Have I Been Falling to Pieces?
I’ve been struggling to motivate as of late—feeling as if I’ve been falling to pieces a bit.
My daily routine is wonky. I could blame this on my boys starting school last week, but if I’m honest this has been a growing issue since mid-July.
My mind has been distracted and foggy. I could attribute this to anxiety over career shift, but it’s more likely my preoccupation with upcoming travel and the final season of OITNB on Netflix.
My goals, both short and long-term, have become blurry. I could call this recalibration, but in reality, I’ve been unfocused and lackadaisical in my approach.
The worst part of this is I’m finally having some great opportunities come my way. I’m not at liberty to discuss just yet, but I have three great consulting gigs on the docket. All three involve things I’ve wanted to do for years, have potential to be on-going and are with people I respect and enjoy. These opportunities coupled with my BrandFlick storytelling gig will fill my calendar with rewarding work and on my own terms.
So why have I been struggling so much? It took Harry’s request to help him with a jigsaw puzzle to figure out what’s been holding me back. I guess that needs a little more explanation, so let me back up just a bit…
Friday afternoon, I left my office early because the air conditioning was on the fritz. I went home, with the intention of writing a blog post, something I’d struggled to do since Monday. Even though I spent hours writing last week, foggy brain kept me from completing coherent thoughts. I hoped the cool air in my basement would set the mood, but when I got home all the cool air did was beckon me to take a nap. I succumbed to the temptation of an hour snooze before picking my boys up from my parents’ farm, convincing myself I’d write when I got home that evening.
By the time we grabbed dinner and I settled in to write, Ollie asked me to play MLB RBI on his X-Box. I fully recognize that my 10-year-old will not be asking me to play games with him forever, so I agreed to play as long as I could be the Reds. Votto let me down, but Dietrich and Winker pulled through and I won by 2 runs!
Still celebrating my victory, Harry asked me to play a board game and even though I knew this would push my writing time back even further, I agreed. As we searched the game closet, Harry spotted a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle of a John Deere tractor. His eyes lit up and he snatched the box, begging me to help him build this masterpiece. Again, I’m a sucker for quality time with my boys, so I reluctantly agreed even though I was fairly certain the difficulty level was a bit beyond my partner’s attention span.
As we dumped the pieces onto the table, Harry seemed a bit overwhelmed. Out of character, he asked me what we should do first. I wanted to say, “let’s just play Monopoly instead because it will take less time,” but I suggested we separate the pieces and build the border. I never want to discourage my boys from taking on big challenges, but I also believe in realistic expectations. I explained to Harry this would be a multiple day project and not to expect us to finish before bedtime.
Harry threw in the towel at 9:45, heading off to bed once we completed the border. I forged ahead until 11:15, when my eyes were bugging out of my head. I forgot how much I loved and hated jigsaw puzzles. Needless to say, I didn’t crack my laptop before heading off to Snoozerville.
The next morning, I hit snooze three times before dragging my ass out of bed at 9:00. While I had plans of hitting a yoga class and writing, I ended up at the basement table, drawn to that stupid tractor puzzle. Harry had lost all interest, but there I was sorting tiny sky blue pieces. I managed to do laundry and eat some Golden Grahams, but otherwise I spent the bulk of the next 6 hours slowly, but surely, pulling together elements of that John Deere and the landscape it inhabits.
I worked diligently until I had to finally get a shower and head to our parish picnic. I had volunteered to deal blackjack or else I probably would have worked until I completed the task at hand. When we got home at 11:30, I sat my keys down and went straight for the puzzle. Hours of dealing cards and drinking Miller Lite didn’t slow me down one bit. For the last push, Jason jumped in and helped me piece together the sky and trees. My guess is he knew I wouldn’t go to bed until that last piece was placed and he didn’t want to pay the consequences of a wife with a puzzle hangover.
At 1:15am we unceremoniously placed the last piece and went to bed.
So what’s the point of all this? Well, something weird happened while I was engrossed in that puzzle. I realized why I’ve been distracted and less than motivated the last few weeks. I’ve been crippled with fear. I also put a lot of stock in believing if I placed every piece in that puzzle, I’d prove to myself that I have the skills, focus and most importantly gumption to get my ass back on track. Here are a few observations I made:
Starting a puzzle is overwhelming, but strategizing and digging in is hopeful. This was how I felt when I decided to not go back to full-time employment. Sure, I was unsure if I had what it takes to be successful, but I optimistically jumped in with both feet. Now that I’m several months in, I’m afraid of failure and what implications that may hold. Will I have to go back to an HR job? Will I be able to find a full-time job is I need to? How will I explain my sabbatical from HR?
Even though this was a brand new puzzle, I had a constant nagging that there could be a piece or two missing. What if I went through all that trouble and couldn’t complete this task? This is how I’ve been feeling about my career—having ongoing anxiety about my skillset and experience level. I’ve frequently doubted myself when speaking to potential clients, wondering if I am the piece of the puzzle they’re missing to complete their project or if I would create a hole in their team.
As I neared closer to finishing I was excited, but I knew from experience the anticipation of completing a goal is far more rewarding than actually doing it. Accomplishments give a very small window to celebrate but immediately mean it’s time to set new targets. With several gigs within my reach, I see a moderate amount of success in my near future, which mean recalibration and setting new goals. This is just as scary, maybe even more, than taking those initial steps down this path.
I couldn’t have imagined when Harry pulled that box out of the closet just how deep I would go with this. As my mind got lost in the world of that tractor, I was able to sort through the anxieties, let them go and formulate ways to get back on track. I completely forgot the value in not thinking about my problems in order to solve my problems.
I was also disconnected from my phone and computer this entire time, not even consuming my usual podcasts or music as I tend to do non-stop. By constantly putting more and more info into my mind, I feed the beast of inadequacy, thinking I don’t know enough and never will. My brain needs to reboot and I’ve not been giving it time to do that.
Now that I finished the puzzle and thought through my recent challenges, it’s time to get back on track with my real goals. I’m physically and mentally healthier when I follow a structured routine which is something I’ve been slacking on lately. Here are the things I am committing to doing daily to keep making progress towards my goals:
I will be realistic about when I actually need to get out of bed and set my alarm accordingly. Snoozing is not necessary if I plan appropriately.
I will write 90 minutes every day. most probably in the evening from 9:30-11:00.
I will continue to workout 6 days a week. This will include one or more of the following: yoga, cardio, strength training, walking or rousing backyard basketball with my boys.
I will focus on eating for nutrition first, pleasure second and drinking only water and coffee.
I will take time to disconnect from technology for at minimum 2 hours per day.
While I wouldn’t consider this puzzle an enjoyable experience or even classify this as a productive weekend, I am thankful Harry convinced me to start it. I needed the reminder that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Focusing my attention on something unrelated to my goals reminded me that sometimes we find answers to life’s puzzles in unexpected places.
