Inadequate
More often than not, I feel inadequate. I go through life trying my best, but generally feeling like I’m letting someone down, often myself. I’m not sure if it’s my propensity to compare my achievements to others or if I sense I’m not giving it everything I have, but I spend a large portion of my time feeling fully and completely inadequate.
Am I just not good at setting my priorities? Should I spend more time working, exercising and reading than sleeping, eating and playing x-box with my boys? Or do I set completely unrealistic expectations about what I can do, see, feel and accomplish?
I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. I’m pretty sure there are just too many things I’m trying to do on any given day.
There are all these things I want to do, a lot of things I have to do and too many things I end up doing that have nothing to do with my initial goals. I have a tendency to start my day with a to-do list a mile long. I forget to take into account that I’ll inevitably get distracted chatting with a friend for 30 minutes in Kroger. Or that I’ll linger over an article entitled I, Pencil by Leonard E. Read because who isn’t wholly interested in the economic impact of one #2 pencil? Or that I’ll drop what I’m doing to play backyard baseball with my boys because, well, they won’t always want to hang out with me.
Maybe this is where feelings of inadequacy start. I set expectations that are far beyond what I’m currently capable of achieving and deflate when I don’t manage to cross every ‘t’ and dot every ‘i’ before my head hits the pillow.
Sure, I’ve tried planning out my day with the best of intentions but I always manage to fall behind. I’ve tried my phone calendar, a fancy Moleskin customizable notebook, index cards, memory—nothing seems to work. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even take myself seriously when I’m making my to-do list.
Meanwhile, I see people around me maximizing their time. They’re able to work full-time jobs, run side hustles, sit on boards for charitable organizations, volunteer at their kids’ school, write a blog and still workout and cook healthy meals 3 nights a week.
Are these people anal about sticking to a schedule? Do they plan their time better than me? Or are they missing out on the randomness that comes from being open to making a new friend at the coffee shop or taking an unplanned lunchtime stroll because the clouds look extra fluffy? While these types of activities are distractions, the amount of joy I get being spontaneous is impossible to quantify.
I suppose I need to prioritize my time better and have the discipline to stick to my plan. I also need to realign my expectations allowing a buffer for spontaneity and distraction. Maybe I can accomplish all the things I’d like AND listen to another episode of This American Life while taking the long way home. Most of all, I probably need to give myself a break and realize I WILL get distracted and that’s precisely what makes me, me. We’re all inadequate in some way, but I enjoy the small things and stop to smell the roses far more than most. Maybe that’s my superpower.
