So Damn Busy
Think back to the last time someone asked you how you were doing. What was your response? I’d be willing to bet your answer was something along the lines of, “Great, but busy…” or “Tired! There are not enough hours in the day…”
We love to tout how busy we are as if it is virtuous to juggle many tasks and responsibilities. I’ve been guilty of worshiping at the altar of busy just as much as the next person, but lately I’ve been reevaluating. Being busy certainly doesn’t translate directly to being productive, so why or how did this become such a common virtue signal? More importantly, is a constant state of busyness a symptom of living a life without focus, purpose and meaning?
How did I get so damn busy?
When I worked 50+ hours a week, I frequently felt overwhelmed and scattered. Between work, my boys’ school and sports, household chores, church commitments, family responsibilities, wifely duties, personal care and never ending laundry, I was busy.
But if I’m honest, I still spent more time being unproductive than I’d like to admit. How often did I pause to check Twitter, spend 20 minutes chatting with a coworker about the weather or linger at lunch because getting back to the grind was overwhelming? Sure, I was being asked to do more than any one person was capable of achieving in a reasonable timeframe, but when I’d feel super swamped, I’d be more likely to gravitate toward distractions.
Of course, that didn’t solve my problems, only delayed them very temporarily and ramped up my sense of urgency to accomplish things. I’d get further behind which led to feeling more and more busy which led to more pacifying myself with distractions which led to more stress and more busyness and more distraction…You get the picture.
That vicious cycle continued at home when I knew I had a small window of time to complete household chores before jetting off to baseball or school activities. Frequently, I’d forgo mopping the floors or dusting in favor of watching reruns of The Office or scrolling through Facebook. When I realized I wasted my shot to get things accomplished, I’d feel ashamed that my house wasn’t cleaner and that the to-do list of things I should be doing kept growing. More stress. More distraction. Man, I was busy, busy, busy.
As I’ve sunk into this midlife pickle, I’ve been much more conscious of where my time is spent. I’ve recognized several factors that contribute to my habit of busyness.
Underestimating time needed for projects. In my mind writing a blog post should take about an hour, but in reality it’s at least two hours, depending on the length and topic. So when I say ‘yes’ to things I don’t really want to do, I’m almost always making a bigger commitment than I initially estimate. I’ve also spent hours helping people with resumes and offering job search advice for which I’ve never charged a penny. It’s like I think things I’m good at arent’ worth as much as things I pay other people for—yoga instruction, haircuts, financial advice, to name a few. These things ALWAYS take longer than I think they will which I suppose suggests I undervalue my own time and talents.
Saying ‘no’ causes discomfort. I frequently take on more than I should because saying yes to others’ requests feels good in the moment. While I realize saying ‘yes’ to things I don’t want to do means I’m saying ‘no’ to projects I do want to do, the people pleaser in me just assumes I’ll figure out how to make things happen. In reality, both my ongoing commitments and the volunteer projects I can’t seem to decline suffer.
Fear of missing out (FOMO). Saying no to any invitation gives me great anxiety. First, I’m a relationship person and I know that maintaining any relationship takes time and effort, so I never want to turn down the generosity and hospitality of others. Secondly, in high school it always seemed like the parties and events I didn’t attend ended up being epic with residual inside jokes that I’d never fully understand. I should have outgrown those childish feelings, but I haven’t.
Social Media is the devil. I recently remembered that I joined Twitter and Facebook around the same time Ollie was born. I unwittingly took on the time suck of social media at the same time I took on the life-altering responsibility of parenthood. It’s not a coincidence that my free time, or perception of free time, went down the drain in 2008.
Over and above the time suck, social media makes it too easy to peek into your acquaintances lives and assume they have time to do everything you’d like to do and more. When I see a college friend going to a festival, a fellow parent attending their kid's baseball game, my niece’s friends going to a concert, my cousin remodeling her kitchen and my aunt traveling to Florida, it’s easy to feel like I need to do more. My brain isn’t comprehending that those are 5 different people making time for one event and instead thinks I should make time for 5 similar events. It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy.
The need to feel useful and important. It’s quite the ego boost to feel in demand. If I think back to initially touting my busyness, it seemed to impress people. That was all the reinforcement I needed to continue to ramp it up. It’s also handy to use the excuse of busy when asked to volunteer for something you’re not interested in doing or that may be slightly inconvenient—”Sorry Aunt Sally, I can’t make the senior center dance off because I’m slammed at work.”
Distraction from exploring the real issues we need to work through to live a meaningful life. As long as I’m busy, I have what I fool myself into thinking are valid reasons for not going to the gym, taking time for meal prep, saving more money, decluttering the basement storage closet and working on relationships with others and myself. If I’m constantly going, going, going I never have to face my insecurities, form opinions on tough issues or explore my spiritual side. I’ve been using the busy excuse for 20 years, kicking the can down the road saying I’d get around to finding meaningful work when I wasn’t so busy. And that’s how I’ve ended up in this midlife pickle.
If I’ve learned anything over the last six months, it’s that where I focus my time and attention is where I will see forward momentum. Taking the time to reflect how my life has improved now that I’m living with more intention makes me realize I need to put more effort into avoiding distractions and being selective on how I spend my time.
As of late I’ve been trying some new things to rein in my busy tendencies.
I turned off social media notifications on my cell phone. This has led to a dramatic decrease in my screentime.
I practiced saying no—literally. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and said ‘no’ firmly, but with a smile. It was reassuring that I could do it and I plan to get another practice in the next time I’m home alone.
I’ve been doubling up my time estimates for how long things will take me to complete. I’m also tracking actual times in my calendar so I can plan better and more accurately charge for my services.
I’m avoiding saying the word busy. This has not been too challenging because I’m starting to see it as phony and self aggrandizing.
So, that’s it. We all have the same 24 hours per day. It’s the great equalizer. How we choose to spend our time is where we get our power, meaning and purpose. I’m choosing to slow down and work to intentionally fill my time instead of haphazardly.
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