Slow Now

Working full-time and trying to be involved in school and church while also paying attention to my family and friends is exhausting. There are never enough hours in the day. I’m perpetually fatigued. I’m constantly forgetting things. I’m frazzled. I’ve not completed my To-Do List in so long the item that keeps rolling over from one day to the next is “take wedding dress to dry cleaner.” OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration—mostly because 18 years ago we had such a good time on the farm my dress wasn’t salvageable anyway—but I keep putting off things I want to do for things I have to do.

That’s why I committed to blogging every day in Lent. While it’s been challenging to say the least, it has helped me to refocus on the things that matter, the things I want to do, the things that make me, Mollie. Making this commitment has prevented me from telling myself I’ll get to it tomorrow because tomorrow never comes to fruition.

I wish I had the discipline to create a schedule, calendar, or to-do list and stick to it, but I’m so bad about expecting to be able to accomplish at least 4 times more than is humanly possible. I’ve tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to reevaluate how I plan my day. If there is one thing I’ve learned since starting this blog it’s that starting new habits after 20+ years of bad ones is not a task for the faint of heart.

Nonetheless, I have to figure out how to slow things down. I’ve been feeling like I’m on a treadmill that keeps speeding up. The more I try to get ahead, the more I struggle to keep up. The more I tell myself I can do, the less I seem to accomplish.

I’m starting to fear I’m spending so much time looking forward and trying to achieve that I’m not living in the moment, sitting with the current, embracing the now. And that’s a shame too because when I do look around I see two badass sons, a husband who is way more grounded than I’ll ever be, a family who loves me, friends who remember my name even though I’m mostly absent, a comfortable home, a great new job, a healthy body in spite of my frequent bad choices, and freedom to speak my mind.

And as I list these things out, I think I’ve realized what I’m running from. Weirdly, I know I have it pretty good and I know that’s only temporary. All of my blessings could go away in a flash and if I’m quiet and reflect on that, it’s scary. The reality of life is we’re all headed towards discomfort and pain. That’s part of the deal. And the older I get, the closer I get to pain and suffering. It’s inevitable I’ll lose someone I love or I’ll suffer an illness, possibly debilitating or deadly. I’ll watch my boys suffer, even if it’s only heart break at the hand of their first love. But right now, in this moment, things are pretty steady. Am I in the calm before the storm? Yes, yes I am.

Damn, that’s depressing. And all the more reason to slow down and enjoy where I am before something changes for the worse. I just wish I could figure out how to do that. I’m happily accepting any and all suggestions on how to be SLOW NOW.

I bet you wish I had just posted a cat video and titled this Wednesday Can Suck It instead of this depressing existential stream of consciousness shit. Happy midlife crisis, friends.