Love Thy Self

Relationships are hard. Marriage involves constant negotiation, parenting is thankless, keeping up with family takes patience and friendships take planning and understanding. I’m willing to put in the time and effort to nurture relationships with friends and family because I value those connections. I suspect most people are the same.

While I certainly have disagreements or get annoyed with those around me, I tend to offer kindness and understanding. I assume that most people are doing their best and I can’t possibly know all of the difficulties or challenges they are facing. I try not to judge because I know I do not have the full context of any other person’s situation, even those closest to me. More accurately, the benefit of the doubt I offer is higher the less I know somebody and lower the more I do.

All that kindness and understanding is thrown out the window when I’m having conversations with the person I am most familiar with—Mollie. Having the full context of my life means I judge fully and without hesitation. When I make a mistake—eating too much, sleeping later than I should, missing out on a business opportunity, hurting someone’s feelings—I play the misstep over and over in my head reminding myself of my shortcomings. I have no compassion, no patience for myself, just disappointment for making a bad choice. And I carry deep shame for making missteps when I clearly know better.

Arguably, our relationships with ourselves are the most influential relationship in our lives. If someone else attacked me even a fraction as much as I attack myself, I’d fiercely defend my actions. And rightly so. Not because my actions were correct, but because I’m human and deserve a little compassion and empathy.

So why am I not treating myself with the same respect and benevolence as I do family, friends or even strangers? Why do I hold myself to unattainable standards? Where is the patience and grace I offer up so readily to those around me?

Since there is no logical answer to these questions, I’m going to work to change the dialog in my mind. I’ll offer myself the same tolerance I do those around me. I’ll also strive to be kinder to myself during my obsessive debriefing after I say or do something stupid. I’ll stop calling myself stupid, worthless and lazy. I would not sit idly by watching someone speak that way to someone else and I’d certainly never dream of speaking that way to someone I love. It’s time to treat myself at least that well.