Happiness is Not the Goal
I ran into a friend the other day who’s oldest daughter just graduated from high school. I asked about her plans and my friend told me her daughter was headed to NKU in the fall. Then she said, “I just want her to be happy.”
This is something I frequently hear parents say—”My only hope is that my children are happy.” I never know how to respond to this statement because I wouldn’t dare wish this on my boys. I don’t know much, but I do know that spending your life looking for happiness is the surest way to be unhappy.
I suppose the idea of happiness is good in theory, but what does it even mean? Pleasure, contentment, merriment, joy, delight, satisfaction? All of these temporary feelings are associated with happiness, which suggests it is impossible to sustain that state in the first place. And even if it were possible, how boring would it be to ONLY experience happiness? And if happiness becomes the norm, aren’t our brains wired to strive for more? So would that mean that we’d up the ante, pushing for a constant state of elation? What’s next, mania?
I’m thinking this is how fast food restaurants sodas evolved into their current state. When I was a kid, a small Coke from McDonalds was 10 ounces. Today, it’s 16 ounces. And don’t even get me started on the 32 oz bucket-o-sugar-water that is a current large at most restaurants. Why did that happen? I propose that 10 ounces was once a nice treat but became the norm. Over the decades it kept growing in order to maintain the sense of being a special treat. Incrementally increasing our indulgence has created an insatiable monster contributing to physical and mental health issues.
But back to what I want for my boys…
Sure, I want them to experience happiness—I’m pretty sure they experience it regularly now—but I also want them to experience sadness, joy, heartache, pride, disappointment, accomplishment, anxiety, failure, contentment, pain, frustration, delight, envy, fear and hope. How are we to know ourselves if we’ve not had the chance to explore an array of emotions?
We learn empathy through tough experiences. Going through challenges helps us to be more kind and understanding when someone else is having a hard time. When I was a freshman in college, my mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I was scared, but I managed to stay in school, continue to work and care for my mom. Experiencing this as a young adult helped me have compassion for people who are battling an illness as well as their caregivers and loved ones.
Great rewards are on the other side of being uncomfortable. Hands down, one of my best life experiences was high school marching band. I was so terrified to start, I cried the entire day before my first freshman rehearsal. My mom told me I had no choice but to participate because I had committed to the year. If she was only concerned about happiness and keeping me from experiencing any negative feelings, I wouldn’t have stepped foot in the band room. I doubt I would have ever broken out of my shell or gained the confidence to be the outgoing person I am today.
Challenges teach us what we’re capable of accomplishing. I was so freaked about turning 30, I trained to run a marathon the day after my birthday. I had several hurdles during training—shin splints, a sprained ankle, blisters—and on race day I had bronchitis. Somehow, I managed to cross the finish line just seconds before the officials shut it down and I had one person behind me, so I wasn’t in last place. That race was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life, but finishing is something that helps me tap into my strength and confidence, even ten years later.
True bonds are formed when the going gets tough. Every one of my closest people have experienced tragedy—death, disease, addiction, incarceration, divorce, mental health issues—over the last 20 years. Seeing how someone tackles a challenge, especially a life altering one, shows you who they are at the core. The connections made during that time are not easily broken.
By experiencing the lows, we can truly appreciate the highs. If all you ever ate were the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms, you’d never know the sense of accomplishment of eating all the cereal and saving the sweet, sweet goodness for the last few bites. And when all you have are marshmallows, they cease being a treat. More seriously, one of my lowest points was bleeding into the toilet, in severe physical pain and unbearable emotional distress just a few hours after learning the baby I was carrying didn’t have a heartbeat. That low point made holding Ollie in my arms the first time all the sweeter. Eventually, I realized that miscarriage was a gift that helped me understand the sanctity of life and taught me I’m stronger than I thought.
Happiness is a choice. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression—most of us have at some point. I got through by making the decision to not allow myself to stress about things I can’t control and to take action on what I can. I realized anxiety is a self-indulgent and lazy way to trick your mind into thinking you’re dealing with problems, while not actually doing anything productive. I’ve made the choice to focus on the positive and embrace happy moments. I purpousfully look for joy in the ordinary and count my blessings every day.
While I think failure is often a path to success, if you strive for happiness and only happiness, you will only fail. It is impossible to get through this existence without pain and suffering. We are constantly at risk of death and disease and having those we love exposed to those same risks. One unavoidable condition of living on this Earth is that you will experience suffering on some level, at some point.
What I want for my boys is to have purpose, do good in the world and be kind to others. Seeking pleasure is superficial and empty, but finding ways to use your talents to help others and contribute to your community will bring gratification far beyond what you can imagine.
I suspect that along the way Ollie and Harry will have moments of happiness and moments of sadness. They’ll also have moments of frustration, joy, jealously, laughter and discomfort. The mixture of those experiences are what make a life rich. Happiness is not the goal, a well-rounded meaningful life is.
