Duds Day Debacle
Parenting—this shit ain’t easy.
This morning was a rough one. My youngest, Harry, realized he left his water bottle at school about 2 minutes before we needed to be walking out the door. The shit storm started from there. Most mornings go fairly smoothly—we’re really good about preparing our clothes and lunches the night before—but if one things gets out of whack, a rapid downhill slide ensues.
I generally volunteer at school every other week, and today was my last shift of the school year. I didn’t want to be late. We were.
My sons go to a catholic school so they wear uniforms every day. The one exception is duds days where they can pay $1 to charity to be out of uniform. Among the hundreds of emails I get every day, I’m generally pretty good at keeping track of school announcements. I guess I missed one, because as we ran up the steps into school, I saw my sons were the only kids in their uniforms.
We were already deep into the valley of the bad morning blues, when my sons slowly came to the realization that they forgot about duds day. My oldest, Ollie, is entering the ‘tween’ stage so he’s very conscious of what his classmates look like. I could see the blood first drain from his face and then rush to his cheeks. Harry, who’s quick to temper, immediately blamed me for not reminding him that his uniform was optional.
Both boys begged me to go home to get a change of clothing, which I could have made time to do. That seemed ridiculous. As Harry headed to his classroom, he extended one more plea for me to bring him a change. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him and firmly said, “That’s not happening.”
I spent the next 30 minutes with Ollie’s class rehashing the ‘Is a Thumb a Finger’ debate and I watched him quietly work while visibly aware that he wasn’t blending in with his classmates. This wasn’t easy to watch.
Harry and Ollie in their uniforms
As parents, we don’t like to see our children uncomfortable or unhappy. I knew I could fix this discomfort with minimal effort and 15 min of my time. I seriously considered it, but what would that teach my sons? First, it would reinforce that whenever they have a problem, I will solve it. Second, fitting in and being part of the crowd is so important I will rearrange my schedule to ensure they do. Lastly, slight discomfort should be avoided at all costs.
All three of these are the exact opposite of what I want my boys to believe. I want them to be independent and solve problems on their own. Of course I want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me with anything—I hope to always be a valued advisor— but learning from their mistakes and becoming more independent is crucial for life-long success. Sure, everyone needs friends and wants to be considered cool, but the last thing I want is for my guys to value popularity over being comfortable in their own skin. Slight discomfort and small problems train us to deal with big challenges and disappointments, which everyone is faced with at some point.
So, here I sit at my desk, thinking about my Ollie and Harry. I know they’ll be okay and I’m certain I made the right decision, but I can’t help but hope they’re having a decent day despite the rough start. Of course, that’s not really different from any other Wednesday.
Parenting—this shit ain’t easy.
