Eating the Elephant

Earlier I spent an hour tucking my boys into bed. Both of them are struggling with the current situation. They’re struggling in different ways, but struggling nonetheless. Up to this point, they’ve both been pretty strong, but until today things have been pretty normal. But today was the first homeschool day.

Every night, I pause to check in with them before singing Love Me Tender. I’ve done this since the day Ollie was born. I think Elvis was my go-to artist because when I was a kid my mom played his LP’s non-stop so I knew all the words. Now, it’s the magic bullet that gets my boys chilled out and ready to snooze—not sure how because my singing voice is not angelic. I cherish these bed time ritual moments because it’s when my guys are most open with their feelings, most vulnerable.

As I consider my boys letting their guard down, I reflect on my own reaction to the pandemic. I’ve done pretty well until today, but today was different. I went into the office, but it was the last time for the foreseeable future. On my way home I made another trip to the store to pick up things for my parents. Most of what they needed wasn’t available.

I ran into a high school classmate at the store. Our kids go to school together too. We chatted about the logistics of no school and working from home. The unspoken disbelief of this new normal was thick in the air. I’m not going to call it fear, but I’ll say for certain it was uncertainty. I’m still wondering how I’ve become the responsible one, the caretaker, the brave one. I sense he felt the same way.

I’ve been strong thus far—remaining positive for the 80+ employee I serve, working to maintain a sense of normalcy for my boys, supporting friends and family—but my reserves are running low.

As I tucked Ollie in, he said, “Mom, I have so much work to do.” This is because he has 2 weeks worth of worksheets in his possession. I asked him if he knew how to eat an elephant. When he said no, I replied, “one bite at a time.” It took him a moment to comprehend, but the he smiled and seemed to relax.

I guess I should take my own advice. It’s one bite at a time that I’ll tackle this challenge but sitting in the quiet I’m overwhelmed. I’m tearful. I’m fearful. And I’m breaking my own rule of worrying about things that I cannot control.

As I sit here in the dark having a moment, I think it has more to do with my realizing I’m the adult in the room, I’m in charge, I’m responsible for the lives of people I care for deeply, than it has to do with the pandemic. If I wasn’t a mature adult two weeks ago, I certainly am now. And it feels like I choked down that elephant in two bites only for it to be stuck in my throat. Or maybe that’s all the feelings I’ve been suppressing.

How are you holding up? Have you checked in with the people in your life who seem to have it all together? Trust me, they’re struggling.

Now go wash your hands!