Cool as a Cucumber
When I was a child, I thought that once I achieved adulthood, I’d have full control over my life. To me, adulthood meant freedom. I now find I was seriously misguided.
Adulthood, married with children in particular, means anything but freedom. Far from what I’d envisioned, most of my life revolves around obligations and the desires of everyone in my circle. Baseball games, feeding the dog, relatives’ birthday parties, laundry, eating at the restaurant my husband likes, work, funerals, paying bills—I’m somehow serving somebody 24/7.
I was conditioned from an early age to do things to please those around me. I was a praise junkie. When my teacher would award me with a sticker on my perfect spelling test, I felt validated. If I overheard a relative tell my mother I was well-behaved, I beamed with pride. But it was all reflected glory. I never learned how to find internal motivation or self-worth. Just like with sports, writing or playing an instrument, if you don’t practice, you’ll never be accomplished. So here I am, 42 and slowly realizing my opinion of myself needs to be my priority.
As I attempt to hone this skill and grow into myself, I find conflict with those around me. Where I once agreeably arranged my schedule around others’ requests, I’ve grown less accommodating. When someone says something upsetting or insulting, I’m speaking up. When I want something, I’m going for it instead of waiting patiently for someone to give it to me.
Change makes people uneasy, especially when that change comes from a source that had been historically predictable. So what. I’m changing anyway, damn it. I’m focusing on internal worth, motivation and growth instead of expecting others to recognize me. I’m trying things I find compelling instead of following paths I think will look good on a resume or sound impressive.
I’m learning, slowly but surely, to find motivation and validation from within. And this is giving me the courage to start showing the real Mollie. I still have praise junkie tendencies and do get a dopamine hit off of a Facebook like or compliment on my hair, but I’m looking inside more of the time these days.
It’s hard work -- but it turns out that relying on myself for confidence and reassurance is exactly the freedom I’ve been looking for since I was a little girl. Of course, freedom is coupled with responsibility. Sometimes my family doesn’t appreciate my decisions. I’ve disappointed my friends a few times. I’m pretty sure if I skip paying my Sprint bill, my cell phone service will be discontinued.
But it’s worth the cost. I’m stronger than I thought, more resilient than I imagined and pretty damn cool...like a cucumber.
